Erek vs Maria
by Skyflight Erek's Loyalty
Summary: Erek and Maria get into an argument one day in the Chee park. If you like stupid, pointless arguments, stories about the Chee, or want to learn how to insult people in Latin, you'll like this story.


Authoress's Note: Hi, everyone. I actually wrote this a couple of months ago, but I put it in my desk drawer and forgot about it. Until a few days ago, when I was looking for a piece of fanart and discovered it again. So now I'm posting it. :D It would be best to read this story _slowly_, okay, guys? If you read it too fast, it's really confusing and it sounds stupid. So read slowly, and proceed with care. :D And for anyone who hasn't read stories by me or by the other Erek Fan Club members, Daniel is the name I made up for Mr. King.

Thanks to: Big thanks to my Latin textbook, The North American Fourth Edition Cambridge Latin Course Unit I (gosh that's a long name!), for teaching me all the Latin insults Erek and Maria use. Translations are at the end. Big thanks to Purplestar leader of awesome, for letting me use Maria's "Look of Death," as Daniel calls it in her stories. Thanks also to KityPryde and Riza-san for being cool. And thanks to any and all fans of Erek. :D

Disclaimer: I do not own Maria, Erek, Lourdes, Daniel, any of the other Chee, the Animorphs, the Yeerks, the Pemalites, the Chee park, the English language, the Mesopotamian language, the Latin language, the Look of Death, dapsen, the Pemalite crystal, or Starbucks. :D

* * *

_Cast of Characters_

**Maria,** one of the Chee, has an ongoing feud with Erek, dislikes the Animorphs.

**Erek,** another Chee, has an ongoing feud with Maria, helps the Animorphs oppose the Yeerks.

**Lourdes,** another Chee, one of Erek's friends, likes Daniel.

**Daniel,** another Chee, another one of Erek's friends, likes Lourdes.

* * *

_Scene:_

_Maria is going down to the underground Chee park on her basement/elevator one day when she hears muffled voices, running feet, and the sound of one of the other basement/elevators going up. When she gets down to the park, she sees no one but Erek, who has his best "I'm completely innocent, despite what you may think" face on. Maria is instantly suspicious._

**Maria:** Were the Animorphs just down here?

**Erek:** Um... no. Of course not.

**Maria:** You're lying.

**Erek:** Who, me? I never lie. In fact, I've never told a lie in my whole life.

**Maria:** You're lying right now!

**Erek:** No, I'm not.

**Maria:** You just lied again!

**Erek:** No, I didn't.

**Maria:** Yes, you did.

**Erek:** No, I didn't!

**Maria:** Yes, you did!

**Erek:** No, you're lying by saying I'm lying when I'm not lying, so when you lie by saying that I'm lying when in fact you yourself are lying, that makes you a liar. And a hypocrite.

**Maria:** _(after a short pause)_ Stop speaking in such confusing sentences! And I'm _not_ a liar or a hypocrite!

**Erek:** No.

**Maria:** What?

**Erek:** No. As in, no, I will not stop speaking in such confusing sentences. It's a free country, you know, Maria.

_(There is a long pause for a few moments while Maria tries to think of a good comeback to this.)_

**Maria:** Well... I'm not a hypocrite!

**Erek: **Yes, you are. You're practically dripping with... hypocrite-ness!

**Maria:** _Hypocrisy._

**Erek: **Ha! You admit it!

**Maria:** I wasn't admitting anything, you _idiot_, I was just telling you the right word to use, since you obviously don't know how to speak the English language!

**Erek:** Yes, I do.

**Maria:** No, you don't.

**Erek:** Yes, I do!

**Maria:** No, you don't!

**Erek:** I'm speaking English right now!

**Maria:** Well, you don't know how to speak it correctly, and that's not much better than not being able to speak it at all.

**Erek:** _(grins) _Fine. I might not be able to speak English, but I _can_ speak Mesopotamian.

_(Erek says some very, very impolite things to Maria in Mesopotamian. Maria is shocked into silence for a few moments. Erek smiles in satisfaction.)_

**Maria:** EXCUSE ME?! _WHAT_ DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!

_(Erek repeats the very impolite things he just said.)_

**Maria:** I DIDN'T MEAN I DIDN'T HEAR YOU, YOU MORON, I MEANT HOW DARE YOU! YOU CAN'T JUST _SAY_ THINGS LIKE THAT! ESPECIALLY NOT TO _ME_!

**Erek:** Actually, I just did. Twice.

_(Maria gives Erek the Look of Death.)_

**Erek:** ...And I'm really, really sorry for saying it! I didn't really mean any of it, honest I didn't, please don't kill me!

**Maria:** You're not sorry!

**Erek:** Yes, I am.

**Maria:** No, you're not.

**Erek:** Yes, I am!

**Maria:** No, you're not!

**Erek:** I said I'm sorry, Maria!

**Maria:** You're lying again!

**Erek:** I told you before: I never lie. I can't. It's against my programming.

**Maria:** No, it's not.

**Erek:** Yes, it is.

**Maria: **No, it's not!

**Erek:** Yes, it is!

**Maria:** It can't be against your programming to lie, cause it's not against my programming to lie.

**Erek: **You just admitted that you lie.

**Maria: **I mean... not that I ever lie, of course. But I _could_, if I wanted to, because it's not against my programming. And it's not against yours, either.

**Erek: **How do you know? How do you know the Pemalites didn't program me differently than they programmed you? We all have different appearances and personalities. Why do you assume we all have the same moral programming?

_(Maria just stares at Erek, who looks very solemn and innocent. After a very long time, she starts to think that maybe, just maybe, he might be telling the truth.)_

**Maria: **_(fascinated) _Really?

_(Erek can't keep a straight face any longer and starts laughing.)_

**Maria: **YOU LIAR!

**Erek: **_(laughing)_ You actually fell for it!

**Maria:** NO, I DIDN'T!

**Erek: **Yes, you did.

**Maria: **No, I didn't.

**Erek: **Yes, you did!

**Maria: **No, I didn't!

**Erek: **_(gloating) _I'm such a good liar, I told you I couldn't lie and you actually believed me!

**Maria:** You just admitted that you're a liar! Ha, I win!

_(Erek realizes his mistake, and says a rude Mesopotamian word under his breath.)_

**Maria: **And, by the way, I _didn't_ believe you. It was just a trick to get you to admit that you're a liar.

**Erek: **Sure, sure. Sure it was.

**Maria: **It _was_. And would you stop swearing in Mesopotamian already?

**Erek: **No.

**Maria: **Yes.

**Erek: **No!

**Maria: **Yes!

**Erek: **It's a free country, you know.

**Maria: **Stop saying that! It's annoying!

**Erek: **I don't have to stop, because it's a free country, you know!

**Maria: **Ugh! You're so obnoxious!

**Erek: **And you're a hypocrite!

**Maria: **Liar!

**Erek: **Idiot!

**Maria: **Freak!

**Erek: **Dapsen!

**Maria: **What? What does _that_ mean?

**Erek: **Well, if you'd help us spy on the Yeerks, you'd know, wouldn't you?

**Maria: **So it's a Yeerkish word.

**Erek: **How did you know that?!

**Maria: **You pretty much just said so. Idiot.

**Erek: **Oh. Well... you still don't know what it means.

**Maria:** I'm assuming it means something totally rude and uncalled for, otherwise you wouldn't have said it to me.

**Erek: **True, true. You know one of my favorite things about being a Chee?

**Maria:** What?

**Erek: **I know how to insult you in lots of different languages. It's so much more fun than just plain old English. I could use Latin, for example.

**Maria: **So could I.

**Erek: **Caudex!

**Maria: **Furcifer!

**Erek: **Insana!

**Maria: **Pestis!

**Erek: **Mendax!

**Maria: **Ignavus!

**Erek: **Stulta!

**Maria: **Asinus!

**Erek: **Um, um... dapsen!

**Maria: **That's not even Latin!

**Erek: **So?

**Maria: **We were insulting each other in Latin.

**Erek: **Well, now we're switching languages.

**Maria: **But I don't know any Yeerkish insults, except dapsen.

**Erek: **Neither do I. Dapsen!

**Maria: **Dapsen!

**Erek: **Dapsen!

**Maria: **Dapsen!

**Erek: **Dapsen!

**Maria: **This is boring. Let's switch languages again.

**Erek: **Okay. How about my personal favorite, Mesopotamian?

**Maria: **_(warningly) _Erek...

_(Erek doesn't listen and insults her again in Mesopotamian. Maria gives Erek the Look of Death again, only this time it has been intensified to new levels of blazing intensity.)_

**Erek: **Um... I... _(takes a step backwards)_

**Maria: **I TOLD YOU TO STOP SAYING THOSE WORDS! AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN! NOW YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!

_(Erek starts running for his life, with Maria close behind.)_

**Erek: **I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I really do mean it this time! I won't say it again! I promise!

**Maria: **YOU'RE LYING!

**Erek: **No, I'm not!

**Maria:** Yes, you are!

**Erek: **No, I'm not!

**Maria: **Yes, you are! Dapsen! I'll find that crystal! I don't know what you did with it, but I'll find it! And then you'll pay! _Pay_, I tell you!

**Erek:** Gah! _(runs faster)_

_(Meanwhile, Daniel and Lourdes have just come in. They watch Maria chasing Erek around in circles around the Chee park for a few moments.)_

**Lourdes: **Looks like Erek and Maria are at it again.

**Daniel: **Yep.

**Lourdes: **Oh well. In a couple of hours they'll be friends again, like always. Or at least, as close to friends as they ever get.

**Daniel: **Yep.

**Lourdes: **Wonder what she wants to kill him for this time?

**Daniel:** Dunno. Probably for something stupid he did, like always.

**Lourdes: **Yeah, most likely. _(watches them for a moment) _Do you think we should try and stop her?

_(Daniel and Lourdes keep watching Erek and Maria for a few moments, then turn to look at each other.)_

**Daniel: **Nah.

**Lourdes: **I didn't think so, either.

**Daniel: **Hey, want to go down to the Starbucks on the corner and get a cup of coffee?

**Lourdes: **_(smiles and takes Daniel's hand in hers) _Sure!

THE END

* * *

Translations for Latin words:

**Caudex: **idiot

**Furcifer: **thief, troublemaker, etc.

**Insana: **crazy (feminine)

**Pestis: **obnoxious, pest, etc.

**Mendax: **liar

**Ignavus: **lazy (masculine)

**Stulta: **stupid (feminine)

**Asinus: **this can be translated as donkey... or another word that means the same thing...


End file.
